Saturday, Apr. 03, 2010 at
Its been a month since my breast biopsy.
I'm very glad I had it done.
I've messed up my life this semester, and just came to realize what I have done to my self now. At the end. Its too late too fix anything.
Just time to move on, be strong, and apply what 9th grade has taught the prude in me.
I messed up a lot of my relationships with people. I don't know how or where I went wrong, but somewhere something went wrong. With over 3 friends. I guess it was the way my brain was functioning.
When my "lump" was found, even though I was told it was benign from the start, I became a paranoid beast that cried her self to bed. I was all out, emo style.
It was so hard to accept it. I would feel it every time I put a bra on, in the shower, while laying in bed. It was there. Its still there.
I knew I didn't have Cancer or anything horrible like it, I think it was just the fact that I couldn't/didn't tell my parents until much later that bothered me the most. Considering how "tight" we are as a family.
I lost interest in everything, I no longer wanted to study, I no longer wanted to laugh, I no longer wanted to do anything really.
Maybe I should have been more trusting of my dr and believed her when she said there was nothing to worry about.
I think what "really" got to me was seeing my ultrasound images. They were insane.
27 pictures on a compact disk, they looked huge. Mind you, they're more than one lump. I got paranoid. I cried my self to bed that night.
I realized I liked him, too. Maybe I just wanted a cuddle? I don't know. I do know I am needy like that when I'm sad/annoyed/worried.
He used to make me smile, now he just makes me anxious.
I loved being with him, it was so easy and nice. Its been a month since we've cuddled or even talked properly to each other.
I don't know why. If he doesn't feel the same way towards me, I understand. But I'd like to know as well. Is that too much to ask for? I think its pretty fair.
I was never head over heals with him. He made me smile, not butterflies smile, platonic warm smile well it gradually grew to butterflies. The type of person you'd want around you. The one to give you the tap on the shoulder and say "hey, it aint that bad; look on the bright side," the one to laugh and learn with and from.
That was him. I adored him for him. I enjoy the conversations we have/had. I enjoyed being with him even tough compared to me he spoke very little. I liked him for him, I liked him for how I felt when I was with him. At ease, nothing else mattered.
It was gradual likeness. It started with me calling him while at work by mistake, asking him about a work order that was placed to coca-cola, the coke guy was right in front of me. Then, pure coincidence, we ended up going out to the same place that night with the same people. I think it was after that night that we started texting more. I wasn't interested then, he was a nice guy I was in the process of getting to know a little bit better.
Being friends with him has taught me a lot about my self. He's someone that has shaped me, definitely.
I hope to have had some sort of positive affect on him as well. Highly doubt, but its good to hope.